Thursday, December 31, 2009

Not A Fan of Rollercoasters

Calling all captains: tomorrow night is going to be one for the ages. Grab your finest tie and your cheapest bottle of champagne; which hopefully wont end up in your best friends TV this year. It's New Years Eve and it's time to reminisce on behalf of 2009. Wear your most comfortable panties and ignore your texts from afar as you spend the last ticking second of the year with people of whom you care about most. Toast to those who couldn't make it, and pour some out for the one's you've lost, but you know are there in spirit and mind alike.

Start this year off differently, such as you had promised yourself to do for the last ten years, but this time, actually do it. Make your new year's resolution to change something in your life. Change your style, change your ego, change your boyfriend, change your underwear. It has come the time where not only are you able to start over, but you are able to literally steer yourself free of trouble and sin, and rather crash into a new you. Realize that you should be thankful for every ticking second God has bestowed upon yourself, as well as the rest of your friends and family. Realize that the walls that surround you each day, can be broken and torn apart with a new attitude and a new outlook on life. Realize that being a good listener can benefit you in more ways than you would think.

I talked to an old friend today and she made me realize that receiving is a bi-product of giving. You will receive once you give, so don't be worried what you are granted in return. Be happy that you are fortunate enough to give and when your time comes, you shall receive as well. Thanks, friend, how I've missed you.

Take this time of the year to look back on 2009 and think about what you could have done differently. Think about all the times you were at an impasse with life, in general, and what you have done to overcome those battles. Build on this, and add to your character. These decisions determine who you are and what you are made of. Keep a level head and never look back, because there is no going back. Rather, stare straight into the eyes of the prize and never settle for anything less. Make proud of yourself, and work hard at making this happen.

Grab life by the horns, before it grabs you. This is your year; make the best of it.


Saturday, December 26, 2009

A Fender-Bendered, Dirty Jelly Ringed, Highly Unusual Christmas.

December 23rd, 2009.
"Hey ma, can I take your car out tonight? Frankie's home from Michigan and he's having a few of the guys over."
"Sure, don't be home too late. We have a busy day tomorrow; and you still have to clean your room."

The holidays are great, usually. Christmas Eve's eve (Frankie's house) was great, until a white Chevy Tahoe slammed into my mom's car unexpectedly, causing a whirlwind of events to spiral out of proportion.

If only the Caucasian male who resembled Paul Wall and spoke like a Joisy Shore-ian actually stuck around for the punch and pie of another accident prone Phil and Mike adventure, none of this would have happened. But hey, shit happens, unfortunately.

December 24th, 2009. Early morning, pre wake-up.
"Phil, did you hit something with my car last night?"
"No mom, I have no idea what you are talking about." Back to sleep.

Shit, why did I lie? Well I guess I didn't lie, hence the fact that I myself never actually hit anything with that oh-so-suave 2001 Hyundai Elantra; GT none-the-less. 176,863 miles strong.

December 24th, 2009. Post wake-up, pre jelly ring throw.
"Okay mom, I'm sorry I didn't tell you before but someone hit your car last night. It was a hit and run and I didn't want to ruin your Christmas Eve."
"It's okay. Just tell the truth next time; we brought you up to always be honest, even at the worst times."

My father was livid, as usual, at one of the most unusual things. Can't blame him, I mean the damage done to the car was so horrible that it looked like a bird pooped in the wrong place.

Estimated cost of damages: approximately $158.06; labor included. Some damage huh?

December 24th, 2009. Approximately 8:24pm.
Still wondering why I'm eating dinner on my couch, instead of at the table with the rest of my family.

Little cousin Gianna blames me for taking her Cinderella doll. In turn she runs upstairs, crying, and I get a dirty look from everyone at the highly drunk annual Forte Christmas dinner table. Shake my head and walk back downstairs.

December 25th, 2009.
"Thanks for the new TV mom and dad."

About 47 minutes later, the Jelly Rings and Marshmallow Twists start flying.
"It's been two (expletive) days and this guy still hasn't been locked up. I'm the bad guy now...blah blah blah. I want your mothers car fixed and I want it fixed now. I'm always the one getting jerked around. I'm done waiting (even on Christmas, quite possibly the most popular holiday to have off from work) for this shit to get settled. Go file a police report."

"Shit happens," said Officer D-e-r(something). "Don't file a police report with missing information, especially if you have someone working on the case for you. Tell your father to call me if he has any questions."

Note to self: doing what your father tells you to still irks him.

This year, Christmas taught me a lot. It taught me how to handle a hit and run accident incorrectly, how important Cinderella is to a 3 year old, and how catering a party at your own house has a ton of negatives. But it also taught me that Christmas will always be there for family and friends to gather, fight, love, and cherish one another, regardless if Paul Wall tries to spoil it; cheap-o.

December 26th, 2009. 4:36pm.
Still craving those Jelly Rings.

Happy Holidays everyone.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Long Island Guy...

I was born, raised and bred on Long Island; that’s right ON, not IN Long Island. I can travel from the south shore to the north shore in twenty minutes, eastern Long Island to western Long Island in an hour and god damnit I love how close I live to the city. Some people take this island for granted, where you can raise a family, eat at various 5-star restaurants, find a job, and fall in love with your hometown. You can live in the slums where you find endless chains of broken down grocery stores and gas stations, check cashing places and liquor stores, or you can live where the rich and famous spawn along golf courses, beaches, and parks. It’s what’s in between where we find a problem. A problem where people believe Long Island isn’t good enough for them and their “dreams.” Some people move away and blame Long Island for their troubles, but Long Island doesn’t care. Long Island is, was, and (hopefully) will always be there for those who enjoy its company, but NOT for those who trash it day in and day out: “Bro its LI duh…go to move to sunny Florida where shit is great all the time.” Yeah, go ahead and move to Florida and make sure to read the fine print on the “Welcome to Florida” sign that blankly states “…where America goes to die.” Blame Long Island for not finding an education, for working at a poor sap’s restaurant getting paid to show some cleavage (thank you), for failing out of art school, for killing your dog, for crashing you car, or for shattering your “dreams.” Dreams are made, and broken, because of you, not because of an island. Just remember one thing: Long Island does not care. Long Island does not want those ON it who continue to bash its beauty and aroma. Life begins with LI, but what you do with your life rests in your hands, only.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Self Loathing in Albany, NY

It’s unreal to think of the language being used today compared to that of nearly half a century ago. Instead of using the proper, modern English set forth by our forefathers and ancestors which makes this language so exquisite and unique , everyone today relies on the use of acronyms to describe what they’re doing. This decline in language, of course, cannot bury the blame on one individual writer or blogger who created the phrase LOL, OMG, or WTF, rather, the blame can be put on those who continue to use these phrases day in and day out (hence my self loathing). The people of this modern world that reeks of technology today are constantly obsessed with the demand for social networking, and in turn everybody today feels pressured to continually “update their status,” or express their feelings with an LMAO this, or LOL that. Twitter this, comment that, post here. I wonder who these “pioneers” of language were and how much they’ve made Orwell turn in his grave so far.

You see Orwell, whom in my opinion, who was one of the greatest authors of the early to mid 20th century, set forth a set of rules for the writer and the student alike. These rules, rather basic and straightforward attack the foundations of ugly, inaccurate language and suggest that if these rules are indeed followed, the mind and language alike can be used as an instrument for expressiveness. No longer will we find the need to have LOL pop into our head as our first option when reacting to something that is comical. Thus, in following these rules listed below, we CAN change our language and restore the foundation of proper English, not unapt jargon.

Here are Orwell’s six rules for when instinctual writing fails (found in his essay Politics and the English Language):

1. Never use a metaphor, simile of other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.

2. Never use a long word where a short one will do. NOT an abbreviation.

3. If it is possible to cut a word out, cut it out.

4. Never use the passive where you can use the active

5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word or a jargon word if you can think of an English equivalent.

6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

Indeed these rules sound elementary; however they demand a change in attitude for the writer. They challenge the writer to use more conventional English terms, rather than relying on an acronym to suggest their feelings. Of course, one could follow all of these rules, and still write poor English, but one would not be considered a follower of this ridiculous language that is sought out to be the language of the future.

OMFG WTF are you talking about?

Think about these rules and soak them in, because eventually when you find yourself (for example) being asked to hand in a writing sample to a firm who wants to hire you, these will help. Why do you think Barack Obama was elected president of the United States, because he was qualified? No, he was elected because he comes off as a smart, simple man with good communication skills and his values in place. If you haven’t noticed by now, the present political chaos is most definitely connected with the decay of language and the inability to communicate with one another coherently. We can start to improve by focusing on the verbal end of the problem, rather than searching for the newest web cam to web chat with the enemy this week. America needs to get its shit straight before we forget how to knock on doors or introduce ourselves to a stranger; more on that later.

For now, tty-er, see you tomorrow.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Dear Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite,

If you’re reading this, that means I’ve actually had the courage to post this here, so go me right? You see for the past 3 months, the writings been really hard for me. Yes, the writing, literally. Before I moved to where I am now, I haven’t gone more than a week without seeing you and I guess that’s what has kept me sane and able, and willing to write. I’ve been at a loss for words since August 27th, the day I left you and that town for good. I still remember the first time I laid eyes on you, and from that time on there hasn’t been another set of eyes I’d rather look into. You see there’s this feeling I get every time you walk into a room, kind of like the feeling of walking into your living room on Christmas morning; weak knees and struggling for words. The very presence of you reminds me of home and family and everything that’s good in life. And goddamn would you make a good wife and mother sometime. I have been thinking a lot about myself lately and at the end of it all, it’s only you who ends up there with me. I know this sounds crazy but what about life isn’t crazy? I I’m not saying I’m perfect nor better than any boyfriend you’ve ever had, but I am saying that no one would treat you the way I would and no one would love you as far and long as I would, through thick and thin, rain and snow, hell and high water. This wasn’t an accident. I’m doing this because I’ve blinked one too many times, and I have missed out on too many moments to get this right. I want to be standing across from you, looking into your eyes and holding your hand when you’re the only one in the room wearing a white dress. You make the blurry things clear for me and the wine taste better. Hank Moody taught me well in saying that “it’s all about her.” It is all about you and I don’t want to see the day come that you’re gone for good. I hope you understand this and I hope you follow your heart and stay true to you, but damn you would make my grandma proud and that has got to count for something.

For now,
You know who

Friday, May 29, 2009

Teixeira to MVP? Wang to... Reliever?

Newly acquired first baseman Mark Teixeira of the New York Yankees has been on a tear this May. After ending the month of April barely batting over .200, the Yankees slugger is now batting over .280 with a .382 on base percentage due to his recent tear in homeruns and doubles throughout the month of May. He is one homerun shy of the major league lead in homeruns at 15 and has a slugging percentage of just under .600.

Typical Teixeira right? Known for his cold struck start at the beginning of every season, Teixeira never lives down his dominance in May, as well as the rest of the season. With the Yankees lineup as versatile as it is, the sky is the limit for the slugger this year. He sits in the 3rd spot of the line-up, right before the home run saavy Alex Rodriguez. With Derek Jeter and Johnny Damon sitting before him at spots 1 and 2, both batting .300 and both with an OBP of over .370, Teixeira has the ability, and the RISP to drive in more runs this season then any other Major League Baseball player. MVP? MVP? MVP? It is way to early to tell now but we'll see.

As for the struggling Chien-Ming Wang, there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. In Wednesday night's romp over the Texas Rangers, Wang threw two perfect innings to close out the game. His nasty slider left batters shaking in their shoes, typical of the twice 19 game winner Wang. Asked if he was ready to rejoin the Yankees starting rotation, where he once held that coveted number 1 spot, Wang replied, "I'm ready," with a forlorn smirk as if he has been hiding those hideous sliders and consistent fastballs.

Bringing a career record of 54-20 into this season, Wang is a proven winner. After a season ending Lisfranc sprain to his right foot last June, he started this season going 0-3 wih a 34.50 ERA in six innings before going on the disabled list with hip weakness. Everybody slumps right? Recently, Wang through 13 scoreless innings in Triple A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, on top of throwing two perfect innings Wednesday night, retiring all six batters he faced in order, striking out two.

However, the Yankees once again find themselves in a difficult situation, ultimately regarding Wang and his replacement Phil Hughes. Hughes has been spot on throughout his last two outings, Monday more then the first. Hughes wasn't good Monday, he was unbelievable, throwing a shutout threw eight innings after being pulled before the ninth began. The 22 year old first round pick a few years ago is making decisions "difficult" for Joe Girardi and the Yankees Clubhouse regarding his spot in the pitching rotation.

Solution: If Wang is ready, throw him in there. However, don't kick out Hughes just yet. Hughes looks comfortable and confident and each day he looks more like a Yankee. Throw Joba in the bullpen where he belongs, and win a World Series again. Simple.

The Beginning

So tonight (or early today) I was on and I came across a funny article on Brett Favre. The article was about his indecisiveness not only regarding football, but through life in general. It described his "recent inability to make decisions of any kind," and the way its affecting his home life. What else is new? Retire man, you're 40 years old. You have grey hair. You like wrangler jeans. Come on, give it up. Personally, I can't stand Brett Favre's nonsense anymore. If I were ESPN, I would ban his name in our studio. He couldn't hack it in New York anyway. Grandpa.

So what's with this flying a Boeing 747 over Manhattan and the rest of New York City to get a picture of a plane near the Statue Of Liberty nonsense? Are you serious? Has the United States government ever heard of PHOTOSHOP? You're trying to tell me that with all the crazy advanced endless technology we ensue, we can't photoshop a plane flying over the Statue Of Liberty? Like for real? Come on guys YOU'RE FLYING A PLANE OVER NEW YORK CITY and you're bewildered at the reaction of American citizens?! How bout 'em.